Live from the Korean Peninsula

Subject Response to Bearded Foreigners in Korean Elementary Schools: A study

2009-05-25T15:44:00.004-04:00

(Originally printed February 3, 2009)

Since I'm nearing the end of my contract I decided to grow out my beard.

Figure A

Since beards are a rare thing among Koreans, the sight of a bearded white person is understandably a subject of great interest to Korean children. So far the students have done a good job communicating their feelings about my beard to me in English.

Responses, ranked from most favorable to least:

"Teacher! Beautiful!" (student gives the thumbs up sign)
Translation Mr. Christiana, I think a beard looks very flattering on you.

"Oh! Teacher!" (student rubs own face)
Translation Mr. Christiana, I am surprised to see you have grown a beard.

"Teacher! Why?"
Translation Mr. Christiana, I am confused as to why you have chosen to grow a beard.

"Teacher! Cut!" (student makes a scissor cutting motion across own jaw)
Translation Mr. Christiana, I do not like your beard and feel it would be in your best interest to shave it.

"Teacher! Blech!" (student pantomimes vomiting)
Translation Mr. Christiana, I don't care for your beard.

People they've compared me to, ranked from most flattering to least:

Wolverine

Robinson Crusoe

"Kentucky Grandfather" (Col. Sanders)

Figure B

I Hate Fish

2008-09-22T12:00:00.002-04:00

Or at least I do since coming to Korea. Why? It has a little to do with the art of Korean food preparation. Specifically, the fact that there isn't any.

Don't get me wrong, I love Korean food. But it lacks finesse. There are two kinds of cooking methods here. One is to grill every item separately. The other is to dump a bunch of shit in a big pot. The end.

What does this have to do with fish? Well when I say "dump shit into a pot", I don't mean "cut and dice some things up and put them into a pot". No, if you're making a fish stew, you grab a fish, some veggies, and maybe a few little octopuses and dump the whole damn thing into a pot of spicy oil and boil it. Bones and all.

More than once I've had the roof of my mouth pierced by a tiny fish bone I somehow missed in the 15 minute process of cleaning out a square of meat so I could eat lunch. But the last straw was this:

That's jawbone, with dozens of sharp pointy teeth sticking out of it. That was ladled into my bowl. Seriously, how long does it take to remove that from the fish before cooking it? Two seconds? Come on!

Thus every fish dish I'm served is met with a level of disdain once reserved only for tofu.

Home is Where the Spam Is

2008-09-19T12:00:00.001-04:00

Last week was the Korean holiday of Chuseok, which is best explained as a kind of Korean Thanksgiving. It's a time for venerating ones ancestors, going home to be with your family, and enjoy lots of food. I love it because it meant I got a five day weekend.

But what does one give as a gift on such a holiday? You'll never guess, not in a million years.

SPAM GIFT SET! Man oh man, do Koreans (and the Japanese) love their Spam. And not in an ironic, hey-isn't-this-funny-I-got-you-Spam kind of way. It's a genuine treat, it's not cheap, and it's acceptable to give as a present.

How popular are these sets? Prepare to be grossed out.

An entire row at CostCo devoted to them. Koreans were lining up to grab these. They do all kinds of things with it. Put it in with pasta. Put in in their sushi rolls. In Japan, grilled Spam on a stick is a staple at convenience stores. Spam on a stick!

If they only knew. I tried explaining to some Japanese friends one time why I was so amused by their regular consumption of Spam, but I was so flummoxed by the widespread use of a food product that serves mainly as a punch line in the US that I failed to get my point across.

Kim Jong Ill?

2008-09-17T07:40:00.000-04:00

You're welcome for the headline, New York Post.

North Korea and its Dear Leader, Kim Jong Il, have fascinated me long before I moved within a few hours of the DMZ. But now that I'm here, things are getting even more interesting.

A week or so back, I read an article by a professor who claims Kim Jong Il has been dead since 2003. Sounds crazy but it goes to show how little anyone knows about the inner workings of NK. This guy could be dead and we wouldn't know.

Then a few days ago, an article detailing the mysterious absence of the little dictator popped up. He failed to appear at a major rally and apparently he's in ill health. Now the US and China are meeting to plan for possible destabilization just to the north of me. Weee!

School Safety

2008-09-06T00:07:00.002-04:00

For a couple weeks during summer break I ran a small English class for some students. This is pretty standard and there were a few other classes running at the same time as mine, so even though school was closed, there was no shortage of cute, rambunctious Korean children tearing through the hallways.

I thought this was pretty harmless, and not seeing myself as a stuffy disciplinarian, I was often racing around with them. Then one day there was a deafening series of crashes during class. It sounded like someone was smashing through the walls of the school.

Turns out that's exactly what it was.

This is the hallway outside my classroom, and that is a giant hole in the wall. Workers were replacing the dumbwaiter system that brings food from the cafeteria to the classes on the upper floors. And following the universal law of construction workers, they tore the school open and then took the rest of the week off.

This hall is on the third floor. And as I already mentioned, the school was still swarming with kids. But as you can see, the workers took the proper precautions in making the construction site child proof. Nothing keeps children away like a couple of carefully placed empty bookshelves.

Thus I found myself instantly aging from fun loving young teacher to overprotective old man. "Quit running you damn kids, do you want somone to fall out of the damn school?"

Institutionalized Recreation

2008-09-04T06:56:00.004-04:00

For the past week, something strange has been playing on the classroom TVs throughout the school. Twice every morning and once at the end of the day, an awkward dance routine by two of the sixth graders appears on screen.

This is a pretty fantastic example of Korean group dancing. It's never voluntary, it's always something that is forced upon people as part of work or school. Their faces are emotionless masks of intense concentration and utter joylessness. The routine consists entirely of arm movements, since as part of some cruel joke someone convinced Korea that this is dancing. Yet as pleased as I was to capture it on film, it was still bugging me that I didn't know as to why this was happening.

For laughs, I asked my co-teacher what was going on. "Students, they are practicing for ... field day? Is it right?" This is an amusing quirk of her English speaking. She likes asking me to correct her vocabulary without giving me any context as to just what the hell she might be talking about.

Her: Sorry I am late, I was in ... holding cell? Is it right?
Me: I don't know, did policeman come and take you there? (pantomimes wrist cuffing)
Her: (laughing hysterically) Policeman?? No no no, I went to the doctor!
Me: (audible sigh) You were in the waiting room. Silly me.

So on this occasion my response was, "Sure. Field day. Got it." Then I went back about my business, resigned to the fact I would never know what was going on.

Then yesterday, looking out my window, I saw this:

That's the entire third grade, dancing the same routine. I didn't know it, but when the dance came on in the morning, all the students were dancing along with it in their homerooms. As part of field day, the whole school is going to do this in unison. They'll also be racing, jumping over things and tug-o-warring. They've been practicing these events during school hours as well.

The best part? As I took this picture, those very kids were supposed to be in my class. The students are getting out of lessons to work on this. But they need the extra time though, field day is only two and half weeks away. Got to get this down perfect or no one will have any fun.

First Day of School

2008-09-01T12:00:00.001-04:00

Summer vacation is over and it's time to go back to school. To give you a taste of the Korean education system, here is a run down of the first day of the second semester.

9:00 - School starts

9:00 to 10:00 - Patrick reads video game reviews online

10:00 - All students go home

10:00 to 10:30 - Patrick watches Pardon the Interruption online

10:30 to 11:00 - Ribbon cutting ceremony for new auditorium that has been in use since end of last semester. Some kind of officials in attendance. No one can explain exactly why. Pictures taken. Auditorium walked around. Ceremony over.

11:00 to 11:30 - Staff meeting (all in Korean). Patrick plays games on his cellphone.

11:30 - Staff meeting over. Patrick inquires as to contents of the meeting he just sat through. Meeting covered schedule for loosely school related retirement ceremony the following day, and what will be talked about at the next meeting. Which is tomorrow.

11:40 - Teachers go home. Patrick is mildly upset he was roused for work and not even provided lunch.

And a week after school starts, we're back on holiday with an extended five day weekend.

Protect Your Hair!

2008-08-29T12:00:00.000-04:00

Sometimes things happen here that dumbfound me so much I can't come up with a proper reaction. I can only relate the event.

I was exiting the subway on a beautiful spring day when I noticed a crowd gathering at the top of the stairs and blocking the way out.

They were all looking at something and just standing there as if they were trapped. Jostling to get a better look, I saw that it seemed to be lightly raining on the area just outside the exit. Bewildered that this would be the reason for the hold up, I pushed my way out and through the water as the Koreans stared at me. I looked for the source of the shower and saw it was coming from a window washer several stories up. I moved away from it and then took a seat where I could see the exit. For the next 10 minutes I watched as more and more Koreans jammed together at the top of the stairs. Occasionally one would dart out with a newspaper or book covering their hair. But by the time I left, most of them were still standing there, as if they couldn't leave until the meager spray of water stopped.

Tap Off!

2008-08-27T12:00:00.001-04:00

Walking around Seoul, you never know what you're going to find. More often than not, it's something I've never seen before. Like a tap off.

One rainy evening, I heard a band playing. Investigating further, I noticed the crowd wasn't watching the musicians, but something in front of them. A pair of Koreans my age, dressed in their typical faux urban American style, ridciculously long shorts, designer ball caps. And shiny tap shoes. Soaked with rain and sweat, tap dancing their hearts out. Obviously honor was on the line.

I watched for awhile but didn't see the conclusion. I can only assume the loser (or "servee") has to lie down and get his balls tapped on.

Korean Best Friends

2008-08-25T12:00:00.001-04:00

Koreans are a friendly people. Drunk Koreans, even more so. And as I've mentioned before, men become very handsy with other men after a few drinks. This is socially acceptable, but understandably a little odd feeling for most foreigners.

One night some friends and I were working our way through a pitcher of Korean beer at a hof by my apartment. It is hard to find actual bars in Korea, so hofs are the first choice for drinking. They serve beer but also Koreanized western food to go along with it. My stomach never really feels all that great after leaving one, but you have to take what you can get.

Most hofs also let you sit outside and relax, which is what we decided to do on this evening. Except we forgot that in Korea relaxing is difficult since invariably something crazy happens. This night's entertainment came in the form of a sloppy drunk Korean man who kept coming by our table and singing to us in English. He came and went a few times before returning with another pitcher of beer and inviting himself to sit with us.

He took an immediate shining to Dave and decided to hold his hand for the rest of the evening. By this point his English was unintelligible and our conversation consisted of awkward laughter. We couldn't figure out what this man wanted and when he would let us leave. Eventually he got up and went back inside, at which point one of the waitresses ran up and quickly explained that the man was paying our whole bill and that we should leave while he was distracted.

And who was our drunken benefactor who spent the whole evening tanked and serenading us? The guy who owned the hof.

Crayon Shin Chan

2008-08-22T12:00:00.002-04:00

During after school class one day, I noticed one of the students playing with something that made me do a double take:

Yes, that is a person with no pants on and a visible penis. Seem a little strange? Well not in Asia! That's Shin Chan, the titular star of Crayon Shin Chan, a wildly popular Japanese anime. This comedy basically consists of Shin mooning people, flashing his penis, and dong chiming his way through life.

It must be funny to someone, because it's Japan's biggest TV export at the moment, having been translated into a dozen languages. Even the Cartoon Network has picked it up. The show is all over Korea too, only here he is known as Shin Jjanggu (literally "Protruding Forehead Shin"), because Korea has to rename everything they take from Japan since Koreans just hate them so much.

If you'd like to see some of Shin's antics from the English version of Crayon Shin Chan, watch the video below. Warning: Contains full frontal cartoon child nudity.

Tomatoes Aren't Cherries

2008-08-20T12:00:00.000-04:00

In Korea, a certain amount of bizarre food is to be expected: live octopus, entire dried squids, dog soup. But you want to know what I've found the most unsettling? The Korean idea that tomatoes should be consumed as fruit.

Here is a tomato in a fruit salad, sumptuously slathered in mayonnaise. However this is no where near as gross as the time I ordered a banana split and greedily dug in only to be horrified that it was topped with baby tomatoes. Come on Korea!

The Simple Things

2008-08-18T12:00:00.000-04:00

It's easy to take a lot of things for granted living in the US, but as a world traveler I like to think I'm pretty aware of all the perks. However there are still simple things I overlook every day. Like toilets.

I'm not even talking about the horrifying squat toilets found in Asia. I'm talking about simple availability. In Korea, having a restroom in the same restaurant you're eating at is a luxury as opposed to a law.

Most places simply don't have them, or require you to leave the establishment and go somewhere else nearby. And in the restaurants that do have them, they seem somewhat hastily thrown together:

Yes, that is a washing machine. They're not even trying to hide the fact this used to be a utility closet. Or that they wash their linens only a few inches from where drunk Koreans pee and poo.

The best part? Co-ed bathrooms are pretty standard. In this particular case, as I was peeing, a middle-aged Korean woman walked out of the stall and started washing her hands right next to me.

Caught me with my pants down again, cultural differences! Congratulations.

The Paturick Teacher Series

2008-08-15T12:00:00.002-04:00

As I made clear in my previous post, I had a lot of trouble figuring out what to do with my after school classes. For the younger kids, I usually just sat and stared out the window, pretending to be someplace else as they tore my room apart. The older kids weren't as destructive, but did demand I entertain them more. So one day I decided we would draw self-portraits. To illustrate the process I drew a picture of myself on the board. But instead of drawing themselves, all of the students drew pictures of me. The resulting artwork is truly inspired, so I've assembled it all here for your viewing pleasure.

I'm proud to present the Patrick (pronounced "Paturick" in Korean) Teacher Series, a collection of works by After School English Class B.

Here is our first piece, presented by a student who goes by the name Annie. A muted representation, it captures the subject's pensive side. However the asymmetrical eyes and use of balls for hands and feet distract from the overall theme. Grade: B-

A bold, abrasive work, the artist manages to capture both the physical and emotional essence of Paturick. Drawn as he appears most of the time in his apartment, the subject is laid bare for us to scrutiny, hairy legs and all. The sullen, baggy eyes accompanied by an exasperated huff are accurate representations of my general mood while teaching. Grade: A

A wonderful counterpoint to the previous work, here Paturick is portrayed as bright, eager, and constantly bench pressing. A light flight of fancy that lacks depth. Grade: B

With a foray into the undefined, Bo Eun challenges our concept of reality. Here the subject is made an androgynous figure to unsettle the viewer, a play on the dual gender use of the name "Pat". Is Paturick man or woman? Is he wearing lipstick? Is he wearing a shirt with his name on it, or are the letters tattooed on his bare chest? Are those boobs? A great discussion piece to be sure, but in the end it's only so much pop surrealism. Grade: C

An entry from the "shock art" camp, the subject is shown with legs splayed over an absurdly large pile of excrement. Does it belong to Paturick? The piece isn't clear. He is given a head made from a beet and appears to either be pulling snot or his own soul out of his nostrils. The message? Who knows. The work is so busy attempting to titillate the audience that it has no time to say anything meaningful. Grade: D

Paturick weeps, lamenting his cursed lot to babysit a bunch of bratty Korean kids. Simple yet insightful, the piece doesn't rely on fluff to give life to it's tragic focus. A breath of artistic fresh air. Grade: B+

Derivative. Uninspired. Don't bother creating if you don't have anything original to say. Grade: F

Breaking against the grain, the artist portrays Paturick as a baby, giving physical representation to his feelings about the after school class within the very likeness of the subject. A masterstroke. However the written commentary dangerously borders on political cartoon inanity. No need to sledgehammer the point down on the audience. Still, a powerful piece. Grade: A-

Following the "subject as anime" line of drawing, here the subject is seen in a tender moment with his girlfriend. Amusing and sincere, it's the after dinner mint of the collection, a bit of chicken soup for the art lover's soul. Grade: B

A return to the "Paturick as baby" motif, here the artist creates her masterwork by including a strikingly accurate portrayal of the subject's girlfriend as a baby. The piece speaks for itself. No explanation is needed. Grade: A+

After School Class

2008-08-13T12:00:00.000-04:00

One of the greatest mistakes I've ever made was agreeing to teach an after school class for a little extra money. For some reason I thought I would be able to create a curriculum to cover 32 classes with zero training on how to do so and that being in charge of a group of 20 Korean children who spoke no English wouldn't be a complete disaster.

This shot is a good example of the amount of control I was able to exert over these kids. If you look closely, you can see two boys in the back whipping each other with jump ropes. I taught two classes: class A for grades 1-3, and class B for grades 4-6. Think it's a stupid idea to lump three different age groups together and try to teach them the same subject? You're wrong. It's a mind-numbingly retarded idea.

These little darlings belong to class A. Each lesson would start with them in their seats, and then quickly unravel as they advanced on me until they had taken over my desk. In the above photo, they have reached the point where they completely forget I'm even in the room.

The rogues gallery doing what they do best: looking adorable while driving me fucking crazy. From right to left: Jasmine, Judy, Diane (or Diana, depending how she felt that day), Glasses, and Starbuck.

Here is Seok Ho being uncharacteristically quiet. You can tell he's a problem kid because I actually know his Korean name. On one occasion I had to physically lift and carry him out of the room because he wouldn't stop punching a girl. But on this day he behaved, engaged as he was in this bottle of beer he somehow acquired and brought into my room. What could be inside? Don't worry, it wasn't beer.

Just a half dozen live ants frantically fighting for their lives. I briefly considered providing him with a bottle full of bugs every class to keep him in line, but quickly decided it was far easier to hit him with an umbrella.

But as much of a nightmare as he was, Seok Ho still managed to be thoughtful at times, even going so far as to leave me presents after class.

Thanks little buddy.

Baseball Snack

2008-08-11T12:00:00.000-04:00

While I'm not the biggest baseball fan in the world, relaxing at a game is a summer staple for me. Seoul has no shortage of teams, but I just haven't been able to get that into it. The play lacks the quality of the American leagues while the crowds lack the frenetic energy of Japanese baseball.

But wait, surely they have food and beer at Korean stadiums. Isn't that what watching baseball is really all about? Yes, but Korean beer is, for lack of a better word, shitty. They like their lagers super light. Everything tastes like Natural Ice. It's like the country's entire beer supply was supplied by a fraternity.

The snack situation leaves somthing to be desired as well. At Jamisil stadium your choices are Burger King, KFC, and this:

Certainly not the best breakfast I've ever had.

The Volleyball Diaries, Part III

2008-08-08T12:00:00.004-04:00

After the game, all of the teachers went out for a Defeat Celebration. Again, after physical exertion, nothing goes down better than barbecued pork and kimchi.

And lots of alcohol. In Korea, it is not only acceptable but expected that people get drunk at company functions. The school paid for this dinner and my co-workers just kept ordering round after round of soju. It was a good time though as Alison and I were lucky enough to sit next to Ji and Cha Cha, two of the younger English speaking teachers at the school.

After dinner we were shuffled off for "Round 2" at a nearby bar, where everyone who was not already drunk from dinner proceeded to catch up. From left to right in increasingly levels of intoxication, are Mr. Lee, Mr. Kim the Younger, and Mr. Kim the Elder. Mr. Lee and Kim the Elder are the ones who are fond of holding hands near my crotch. This evening I was smart enough to sit on the opposite side of the table.

Naturally all the teachers loved Alison and she quickly became Ji's new best friend. Mr. Cho, the team captain, also took a shining to her. He was also blitzed out of his mind and repeatedly insisted on having their picture taken together. While this quickly embarrassed the other teachers, it did lead to a very humorous series of photos where you can see Alison's growing lack of amusement.

Fortunately in Korea, any and all bizarrely inappropriate behavior is excused if you are drinking, even if it occurs among co-workers. So no hard feelings, Mr. Cho.

The Volleyball Diaries, Part II

2008-08-06T12:00:00.001-04:00

Two weeks after our first (and only) practice, it was time for our first big game. Unfortunately by that time, Alison was there to document it.

Last year, the team made it fairly far in the district bracket, so the pressure was on to do even better this year. Despite that, I was feeling pretty good about playing.

I even went so far as to buy a new pair of shoes to play in. Granted they were $10, but the effort was still there. I hope the school appreciated it.

Touchin' the toes, stretchin' it out. Obviously I was taking this very seriously. I was going to make my team proud and show off my athletic prowess in front of my girlfriend. Notice that I'm wearing my special volleyball jeans.

The first game of the tournament was held at a rival school down the street from us. The teachers who weren't on the team were encouraged to take time out of their Friday evening and show support. And in Korea, "encouraged" means "expected". So most of the school faculty was in attendance, including my co-teacher Seon Mi and the principal. Seon Mi had given me a pep talk earlier in the day. "The school you play is very good, maybe you will lose, but we will come cheer. Actually, we hope you lose, so we don't have to attend more games."

So here I am, coiled and ready to pounce. Mr. Cho, the team captain, had me playing on the net, my lack of height and inability to jump apparently not large concerns for him. Still puzzled as to why volleyball was the game of choice for this battle of the schools, I was further confused when the game started and I realized Koreans just make up a bunch of rules for it to make it more interesting. For example, on one of our first serves, a member of the opposing team returned the ball by jump kicking it. That unnerved me a bit, but I did have the support of Seon Mi and Alison who were seated on my left. Their constant, mocking laughter did much to bolster my spirits.

I managed to send the ball over the net most of the time it came my way. But my valiant efforts weren't enough to keep us from getting squashed. The opposing team shredded us and my volleyball career was over as soon as it began. Seon Mi expressed insincere condolences and congratulated me on a good effort. As for my performance, Alison generously described it as "awkward".

The Volleyball Diaries

2008-08-04T12:00:00.001-04:00

When I first started work at my school, I was besieged by requests to join the various groups that the other teachers had created. Please join the Male Teachers Group. Come out and be a part of the Young Teachers Club. These requests were all pretty direct and I happily accepted the invitations. But when the question "Do you play volleyball?" came up, I knew I was in trouble.

Every spring in Seoul there is a city wide volleyball tournament between all the schools. The teams are made up of teachers. I'd heard about this and that our school had a team, so I knew this question wasn't made in passing. Since I'm not the most athletic person and know next to nothing about the game, I worked hard to discourage any hopes they had for me.

"Paturick teacher, do you know volleyball?"
Uh kind of, I've seen it before.
"Do you play volleyball?"
No, no I don't. I've never played.
"We have a teacher team, you must join!"
Well I don't even really know how to play ...
"We are very excite to have a foreign teacher on our team!"
... and I'm not very good at sports. I'm also very short.
"We will have practice next week!"
Honestly, I'm not even sure what a volleyball looks like.
"Here is your uniform!"

And thus was I drafted onto the school volleyball team against my will and given this rather hideous polo shirt that functioned as the team jersey. I had played volleyball one time in middle school gym class so I wasn't exactly filled with excitement when practice rolled around. Where we were going to have practice was a mystery as well since our school has no gym. Then I looked out my classroom window.

The other male teachers had spent an hour setting up a makeshift volleyball court on the playground. As you can see, Korean playgrounds are just large dirt yards. It was there we had practice with many of my students standing around and gaping at me as I played. Surprisingly I wasn't bad, laying to rest my teammates (vocal) fears concerning my ability.

To celebrate our successful work, we had a little picnic to celebrate and replace the nutrients we'd lost during our heated scrimmage. The menu? Coke, beer, and fried chicken necks.

J-Pranks

2008-08-01T12:00:00.002-04:00

I haven't written anything about Japan in awhile, so it makes me sad to say this latest post is rather alarming. I've learned something terrible through my constant watching of Japanese TV: The Japanese are drastically outpacing us in pranks.

The Japanese have raised the prank to an art form. They're not content with a guy wearing a fake boner during yoga lessons or tricking a celebrity into thinking their car has been stolen. No, their pranks take on a much grander scale. Take for example this video, where 100 men are employed to harass lone passersby:

Inspired. But that's not all. J-pranks go above and beyond into realms that US pranks cannot legally follow. Watch this next video and you'll see what I mean.

How are we supposed to compete with that!? What American is going to tolerate being sent tumbling naked down a frozen slope? What insurance company is going to let a program even do that?? We are facing a dangerous pattern of prank escalation people, and we're falling hopelessly behind.

How long before the Japanese sense our vulnerability and turn their pranks on us?

You Shall Not Pass!

2008-07-30T12:00:00.001-04:00

What's so great about living in Korea? For starters, Gandalf the White guards the streets of Seoul.

Yes, I'm back again after another long, pointless sabbatical. This time, I'll update regularly. I really mean it. Just one more chance baby, I've changed.

I've got some great posts coming up, including a three part series on my short lived volleyball career, the sordid details of my after school class, student artwork and video of me eating still squirming octopus tentacles.

The plan is now to update three times a week: Monday, Wednesday and Friday. So set your chronometers accordingly.

It was also brought to my attention that the links to my Facebook photo albums are no longer working. I haven't figured out what the problem is yet but I'll have it fixed by Friday's post.

I'm also considering posting my old columns from the Daily Beacon on the blog. These would be the raw, unedited versions you never got to see with insightful creator commentary about the response each one received. Would anyone be interested in that, or would you rather I stick to writing about why Japan and Korea are weird? Give me some feedback.

Yours in Fellowship (of the Ring),

Patrick the Curly

Aw Hail

2008-06-24T21:52:00.000-04:00

Early summer in Korea is the monsoon season. The mornings and evening are cool, the days slightly humid, and then every few days it pours for 48 hours straight. But the most impressive thing is the hail.

I've seen hail in Tennessee, but nothing like this. It was a pleasant early evening when suddenly great black clouds darkened the sky and opened up with marble-sized hail.

Luckily I was inside a restaurant at the time, but the noise it made was incredible. It went on for a good 10-15 minutes and the streets filled with the stuff. Watching something like that happen in an urban setting is a bit unsettling. Luckily that's why Buddha made alcohol to calm the nerves.

Charming

2008-06-21T04:00:00.001-04:00

I've seen this little guy in a few restrooms across Seoul. (Most often in restrooms at public parks. Gross.)

Now as much as I love giant anthropomorphized condoms, I don't think this particular fellow is doing such a great job. Handing out AIDs lollipops certainly seems counterintuitive to his life's purpose and I'm not sure that letting these two young lovers have sex inside him is really protecting anyone.

I don't know. Guess I'm just old fashioned.

Korean Kids Say the Most Forward Things

2008-06-19T04:00:00.002-04:00

Part of the delight in teaching English overseas is seeing the fruits of your labor as your students begin to converse with you. And not just by mastering the proper use of the f-word and the finger, as many of my students seem to be proficient at that already.

Here are a few of my favorite conversations so far.

(6th grade girl)

Girl: Teacher, we speak English
Me: Great! Let me hear some.
Girl: You are very handsome.
Me: Why thank you. Good English, what else?
Girl: I love you!
Me: ... Yes, that is also English.
Girl: You're mine!
Me: Umm ... that's ...

(5th grade girl)

Girl: Teacher!
Me: Yes?
Girl: Do you like physics?
Me: ... what?
Girl: Or do you like mechanical engineering?
Me: What??

(5th grade boy)

Boy: Teacher, do you have a girlfriend?
Me: Yes I do.
Boy: (nods head thoughtfully) Hmm yes. You are very handsome.

Another thing I love is that the students make English names for themselves. Most are your typical names: Sean, David, Lisa, Julie, etc.

But then there are some real gems:

Sopia
Shallina
Romio
Mint (no less than three girls with this one)
Pretty
Cha Cha (one of the other teachers told me to call her this)
Black Cat
Cherry
King
Han (a girl)
Jokor
Man
Brain
Teeny (also a teacher)
The Great Khali
Indiana Jones
Lucifer
L

I'm in the process of trying to come up with a Korean name for myself, but right now the only word I know is "beer".

Korean Fashion

2008-06-17T04:00:00.001-04:00

One odd thing you'll notice while in Korea is that no one wears t-shirts with Korean writing on them. They're all in English. Often they don't make a lot of sense (ex. - "Is your vacuum cleaner working?") or say something fairly inappropriate (ex. - "Money over bitches")

The poor, bewildered foreigner is often left wondering if the owners of these t-shirts actually know what they say, or just bought them because English is cool.

Hard to say most of the time, but I'm pretty sure this 3rd grade student (or her parents) doesn't really know what this says:

Pure Fucking Canadian.

The best part for me though are the words "Made in Italy" at the bottom. Or the fact that this shirt came in a kid size.

The Foreigner's Bane

2008-06-16T04:00:00.001-04:00

In a previous post, I made reference to the fact that part of my co-teacher's job is to keep kids from sticking their fingers up my butt. Naturally this intrigued some people so I thought I'd further explain this little cultural quirk.

In Korea, it is called Dong Chim. In Japan, it is known as the Kancho. To me, it is the Foreigner's Bane.

It consists of putting your two hands together in a gun shape, like this:

Then you sneak up behind someone and with all the force you can muster, jam your index fingers into their rectum. Hence where you get the name 'Dong Chim', which translates as 'Shit Needle'.

Still confused? I've made a helpful chart:

Any questions? And this is done as commonly as a Noogie or Indian Burn and laughed off just as easily. Now I know the Wedgie is a fairly butt-centric move and the dreaded Titty Twister is both painful and mildly violating, but sticking your finger into someones bung hole? I don't call that a childish prank. I call that sexual assault.

As the young, foreign, non-Korean speaking teacher I am the target of many a Dong Chim. Depending on who you ask, this shows either
(a) that the students like me and consider me more of a friend than a teacher, or
(b) a complete lack of respect.

No matter the cause I don't particularly enjoy having little fingers jammed between my cheeks. So how have I combated this? Well for the fat kids I just grab their belly blubber and jiggle it until they start shrieking. The rest of the time I just hit them. Which apparently is also culturally acceptable, so I guess it all evens out.

Birthday Present

2008-06-15T04:00:00.004-04:00

For my birthday one of my students gave me a nice little card and a pack of gum as a present. Upon examining them closer I was delighted to find that this wasn't just some ordinary pack of gum, but a collection of novelty flavors. Here they are in order of ascending grossness:

Sunkist Mango Steen

Acacia Floral Flavor

Denti Q Toothpaste Flavor

French Cafe

Cigarette Flavored

Best birthday ever.

Housekeeping

2008-06-14T04:35:00.002-04:00

As you can see I've added a little more flavor to the blog. The new header is the view of Seoul from the top of Dobongsan, a mountain close to where I live. It and the other pictures now decorating the page have all been provided by Alison, so be sure to thank her.

I've also upgraded my links list to a blog roll, which is basically just links to my friends' blogs. The cool thing is that it tells you the last time the blog was updated and provides the title and a little snippet of the most recent post. There are also a few new additions. Es asi is the blog of my friend Lisa who is living and teaching in Spain. One Night, Two Days is by my former China traveling buddy Patti, who is teaching English in a Korean high school. Let Your Seoul Glo is by my colleague Carl, a former Chicagoan and Jeopardy contestant. And word is just the title of Willy's blog, which I'd previously been trying to force a different name upon.

Happy blogging.

A Delicious Stew

2008-06-13T04:00:00.004-04:00

While Alison was visiting me here in Seoul, we had the opportunity to try the Korean delicacy boshintang (pronounced "dog").

You're looking at a nice hot bowl of dog stew right there, which was consumed by me, Patrick, knowingly and willingly. Koreans say that eating boshintang restores vitality and keeps you healthy. Now I won't go into the complex ethical issue of eating canines or debate whether abusing the dogs before killing them makes the meat more tender (it does). I'm just going to tell you how it tasted.

Not bad really, although most of the flavor comes from the spicy stew. The meat itself tastes like greasy, fatty beef, so if that's your thing then you'll love dog. As for me, I wasn't particularly impressed.

Alison claims to have loved it. Of course she is slightly Korean, so I don't know if her opinion counts.

Our guides on this evening were my longtime friend and blogging rival Will Cote and his girlfriend Jungmi. Dinner was pleasant but later on Willy and I came to blows over the merits of "Star Trek: Enterprise" and if the events on that show should be considered canon.* As we usually do.

*They shouldn't and you damn well know it Will, you ignorant ass

Indiana Jones and the KOCS

2008-06-11T04:00:00.005-04:00

If you haven't seen Indiana Jones and the KOCS (or Kingdom of the Crystal Skulls, if you must) and don't want it "spoiled", then don't read any further. If you've already seen KOCS and enjoyed it, then you're dead to me.

I'm not going to go on a long rant here about George Lucas' continued assault on my childhood nostalgia, or the bewildering string of positive reviews from critics. I'm simply going to provide a list of cinematic crimes this film is guilty of and leave you to make your own decision.

LIST OF STUPID THINGS IN KOCS

Gratuitous shots of CGI prairie dogs
Area 51 as an insanely unoriginal plot point (ex. - Independence Day twelve years ago)
Magnetic alien skeletons
Indiana Jones surviving a nuclear blast by hiding inside a refrigerator
Cate Blanchett feigning an awful Russian accent while inexplicably dressed as Prince Valiant

Exhibit A

Exhibit B

The fact that all of that happens in the first fifteen minutes
Oh, and she's a mind reader
Clunky references to McCarthyism
Use of the phrase "Get that greaser!"
Use of a giant glass alien skull filled with tin foil as a plot device
Use of the phrase "Hey Daddio!"
CGI monkey attack
Shia LeBeouf swinging through the jungle like Tarzan

I'm sorry, I can't continue. For me the pain is still to near.

What Can I Say?

2008-06-09T05:37:00.007-04:00

Yes, I haven't updated in quite some time. Nothing I can do or say can fix the gaping void I've left in your life. No excuse I have can cover it. I was distracted with school. My girlfriend had been staying with me for the last month. Korea ran out of internet. I got involved in Korea's beloved national pastime StarCraft.

See? None of those things will placate you. The only thing I can do to win your love back is this:

Note the booties. This is not the first dog I've seen like this here. When they're not busy eating them (am I joking??)* Koreans are hard at work humiliating their dogs into submission.

You're welcome. Do you forgive me now? But really, you can thank my girlfriend Alison for this picture and most of the ones I will post over the next month. Just don't tell her I'm using them.

Look for new updates every few days now. I promise!

* No.

Black Day

2008-04-19T05:15:00.005-04:00

Happy belated Black Day everyone! I completely forgot to say something about it last week.

What is this holiday, you ask? Well as I previously described, Koreans have not one but two Valentine's Day celebrations, the second being called White Day and falling on March 14th.

Sound like a bit of overkill? Well for those Koreans who are significant other-less (a status that seems to elicit as much pity as having no legs), it's unbearable.

Thus April 14th was designated Black Day, a day when singles all over the country could get together and wallow in their singledom while eating noodles covered in black bean paste.

Doesn't that look delicious? Now before judging single Koreans too harshly on this decidedly Emo behavior, keep in mind they have to put up with this:

That's right. It is both common and socially acceptable for Korean couples to dress the same. You may now shudder in horror.

So I don't blame the unattached for feeling the need for an anti-Valentine's. I just think it's a bit pathetic. It's far too passive. Instead of stuffing their faces with noodles, single people should be running around throwing used motor oil on couples with matching outfits. Now that would be a Black Day to remember.

The Proof is in the Kimchi

2008-04-13T07:38:00.003-04:00

Just to show you that yes, I actually am a teacher, here is a picture.

This came from the school's website. Why they waited for the one morning I skipped shaving to take pictures I'll never know.

This is a class of sixth graders. Because the school is so big (about 2000 kids) I only teach them once a month. Each grade has about 8 classes. The third and fourth graders are the only ones I see every week. There is always a Korean co-teacher in the room, but I pretty much run the class. During lessons their main role is to translate if my directions aren't clear and to keep the kids from sticking their fingers in my ass.

If you want to see more pictures of me teaching accompanied by witty captions, look in the Seoul album.

Running the Gauntlet

2008-04-06T04:28:00.004-04:00

One of the many tasks I had to complete upon arriving to Korea was getting a health exam. This was required so that I could get an alien registration card and so that my school might rest easy in knowing that I'm not addicted to mescaline.

The job of guiding me through this process fell to my poor co-teacher Seon Mi. Early one Saturday morning (against my wishes) she took me to a giant medical center. It was a bizarre, sprawling complex with ramps instead of stairs and nondescript briefcases moving through the halls on tracks on the ceiling. Here I was given the most thorough medical exam I've ever had.

They checked my height, weight, blood pressure, eyesight, hearing, gave me a chest x-ray and even checked my teeth. Finally, they took my blood. Five freaking vials of it. Among other things, they needed to check if I had any of the three things that would exclude me from living in Korea: AIDs, drugs, and tuberculosis.

That's right, tuberculosis. Got hepatitis? No worries brother, come right on in. But don't even think about trying to sneak consumption in here.

After taking my blood, the nurse gave me a wet cotton ball to hold on my arm. No band aid. "Hold for five minutes," she said. Then she set out three cups for me to pee in.

Looking embarrassed, Seon Mi quickly grabbed the cups and pushed me to the nearest bathroom. Which was a public restroom. Before shoving me inside she pulled the the cotton ball away from me. "I think it is OK."

With three cups in one hand and blood running down the other arm, I hastily moved into a stall. After careful consideration I decided it would be best if I tried to stop the blood first, as it might cause problems if any got into my urine samples. Luckily for me this bathroom had toilet paper, a decadent luxury that most Korean public restrooms omit.

After miraculously squeezing out enough pee to fill three cups, I walked back to the nurse's room. Which meant walking down a series of hallways and through a waiting room with my urine balanced carefully in my hands. And since I was the only foreigner in the building, this generated a great deal of interest from everyone I passed.

In other news, I've added links to all my photo albums from my travels. The Seoul album will keep being updated, so be sure to check it.

The New Kid

2008-03-31T08:52:00.009-04:00

After my first day of actual class two weeks ago, I was treated to a night out with the staff of my school. Attendance at the festivities was mandatory and the budget for these get-togethers are deducted from our salaries, but it was still nice.

I joined 60 other teachers and my principal for some Korean barbecue. It was delicious and I enthralled the table with my ability to use chopsticks and eat things that are spicy. These are two mundane actions that will give you instant street cred with Koreans and Japanese. I have no idea why. I can only assume the first Westerner to visit Korea made us all look bad by poking himself in the eye with a chopstick and getting explosive diarrhea at the dinner table after eating some kimchee.

I sat at a table with subject teachers. This is me and the English Squad. On the right is my co-teacher Seon Mi, or "Louise". I teach most of my classes with her and she pretty much set up my entire life here for me. This task fell to her as she is the most proficient English teacher at the school. Lucky her.

There are only six other male teachers at my school, so they were quite excited for me to show up. They showed this enthusiasm by forcing me to take several soju shots back to back until Seon Mi decided she had to protect me. "Only beer shots," she said.

A staple of the mandatory Korean work party is that everyone must humiliate themselves in front of their co-workers. No one has made the case to convince me how this isn't hazing, but there you go. On this night each group of teachers was forced to come forward, sing a song and do a dance. Since I was the fresh meat, I had to sing. The joke was on them though, as I forced them to sit through all 11 minutes of Billy Joel's "The Piano Man". As you can see, I don't need to read the lyrics.

After dinner I was talked into a second and third round out drinking with my colleagues. Keep in mind, this was Monday night.

The third round in Korea usually means at trip to the Noribong, which is really just karaoke, but is not called such due to the Koreans' hatred of the Japanese. It was fun, although while I perused the song book I was told that people wanted "faster songs for dancing", a subtle hint that a "Piano Man" encore would not be appreciated.

The night was also special in that it marked my first experience with the Korean cultural quirk of it being normal for men to place their hand on your inner thigh while speaking to you. Needless to say when one of my co-workers, a (drunk) gentleman in his 50s, leaned in to speak with me and placed his hand where no man's hand has gone before, I felt a little squeamish. I don't even feel comfortable putting my own hand there, much less the hand of some guy I just met two hours ago.

However this experience was quickly eclipsed not two weeks later when I found myself in the awkward position of having two men hold hands one inch from my junk. But that's a tale for another time.

If you'd like to see more pictures from the night, check them out here.

Carrie

2008-03-22T01:44:00.003-04:00

I first met Carrie at a church retreat when I was in junior high. Still shy and introverted around people I didn't know, she was the one who approached me, bubbling over with enthusiasm and a giant smile.

"Hi!" she said.
"Um ... hi."
"You look like Screech from Saved by the Bell," she happily pronounced.
"What??"

Awkwardly skinny, pale and curly-haired as I was at that age, I did indeed look like Screech. Although I was understandably not happy at the comparison.

"You look like Screech," she said again without a hint of malice. "Can I call you Screech?"
"No, no you can't."
"Nice to meet you Screech!"

This girl drove me crazy. Loud and silly, always laughing and teasing me. She wouldn't leave me alone. I couldn't stand her! So it only makes sense she eventually became one of my greatest friends.

How could I not like her? This was the girl who told everyone, even my parents, that one day she would marry me, a joke that reached its pinnacle when we hosted the Notre Dame talent show together our senior year. Forced to ad lib the last 15 minutes when the program ran short, Carrie dropped to one knee and proposed to me in front of the whole school.

This is the girl who made me kiss her on her 21st birthday and then forever after would tell people we had "totally made out." This is the girl who talked me into going to New Orleans one weekend and drove us halfway there before deciding it was a bad idea and turning right back around. The girl who would call me pretending to be my professors, police officers, my parents, always using the same voice, and tell me I was in some kind of trouble. She refused to drop the act until I played along, and when I finally did she would cackle with glee and reveal that it was really Carrie, and boy was I stupid.

Afterwards she would talk normally for a few minutes before abruptly saying she was busy and had to go. Moments later she would text me to say she had lied, she wasn't busy, it was just that Golden Girls was starting.

She was constantly doing or saying something crazy to me, and I could never get enough of it.

Carrie knew how much she meant to me. I told her on many occasions. But the reason I did this so readily was because Carrie was always open on just how much I meant to her. I used to be terribly shy when I was younger, and for a long time it was difficult for me to tell people how much I loved them. This is something I always admired about Carrie. Love for her friends and family simply poured out of her and she shared it with boundless energy.

I learned how to do this from her. And while she gave me more laughs than I can count, this is the gift I will treasure most. She may be gone now, but knowing her has made me who I am today. She is a part of me, and that will never go away.

White Day

2008-03-18T07:32:00.002-04:00

Being the first and only foreigner to work at my school, I'm quite a novelty with the kids. They shout English phrases of all kinds at me in the hallways (I'm pretty sure I heard a "Hey, fuck you!" the other day) and groups of them constantly burst into my classroom during breaks.

Last Friday several girls gave me candy in the morning. I was surprised and touched. My first gifts from students!

However as the day went on, the candy kept coming. Soon a small mountain of it sat on my desk. Where the hell were they getting all this candy? Had they put a brick through the window of the local confectionery and ransacked the place in a effort to impress me?

During the lunch break one of the students clued me in: it was White Day. On Valentine's Day in Korea (and Japan), girls are supposed to give candy to the boys they like. (In Japan, this is taken to an obligatory extreme, as women working in offices are often forced to spend hundreds buying sweets and presents for all their male co-workers) To even this out, March 14th is recognized as White Day, where boys are supposed to reciprocate and give candy to the objects of their affections.

But why were the girls giving me sweets? Their scheme revealed itself after lunch when they surrounded my desk and started demanding I give them candy. The very candy they had given me that morning. All part of a clever plot to be able to say the English teacher gave them chocolate on White Day.

What makes it even better is that I later realized the girls had been re-gifting candy give to them by their male classmates earlier in the day. Which may explain the expletives coming my way.

Location, Location

2008-03-12T04:09:00.005-04:00

Ready for a tour of my apartment?

So this is my place. It's a studio apartment, and fairly spacious by Korean standards. The whole thing is free, so the price is right, and it's only an eight minute walk from my school. It took me longer than that just to get to the subway on my Osaka commute.

Got a washing machine but no dryer. Clothes are hung up in the little porch/room behind the glass. Currently my first load has been hanging up for 24 hours and has yet to dry.

This is the bathroom, or "shathroom" as it has been dubbed by some of my colleagues. It is called this because as you can see, the shower and bathroom are one in the same. There's a drain in the middle of the floor. A dream come true for anyone who has ever wanted to poop and shower simultaneously.

There are a few interesting things about this picture. The most obvious is the rather inconvenient placing of my mirror. It has made shaving a little difficult, but the unique angle has allowed me to examine my crotch area in greater detail than ever before.

Also, please note the outlet box on the wall. While generally considered necessary, in this case it means that there are open power sockets in my shower.

My Name is Patrick, and I'll Be Your English Teacher

2008-03-11T07:40:00.004-04:00

Korea made its first attempt to kill me this weekend with a bit of food poisoning, so I'm a bit behind on what I want to write about. Let's jump right in, shall we?

Here's me heading off to my first day of work at Taereung elementary school in the Nowon district of Seoul. I'm teaching grades 3-6. But I didn't actually have to teach this day. No, when I got to the school of nearly 2,000 students, I was ushered into the AV room where I gave a short speech introducing myself over the school's closed circuit television.

At the end of this speech I made the mistake of encouraging the students to come say hello to me. Now whenever I step into the hall I get mobbed by children shrieking "hello". Since I'm the first foreigner they've ever had at the school, the excitement is amplified a bit.

I was told the reason I didn't have to work Monday was because there would be a welcome banquet for me. I assumed this would be lunch with the principal and the teachers in the cafeteria. In reality, this was lunch at an upscale restaurant with the mayor of Nowon.

Nowon is not a small city. It has a population of 620,000, so the mayor is kind of a busy guy. You can imagine my surprise then when I was shuffled off to city hall where me and eight other new teachers were given a tour, shown a slide show of future development plans for Nowon, and had a brief talk session the mayor and the head of the city council. Neither of them spoke Korean, so a pair of translators buzzed around along with photographers, several assistants, and a camerawoman.

Here is the mayor's card. As you can see, he is depicted as a cartoon because hey, he's not just all business, he knows how to let loose.

After lunch I attended a staff meeting back at school where me and three other new teachers had to introduce ourselves to the rest of the faculty. After I finished, the principal (a man) commented to everyone on how handsome I am. Counting the cab driver from earlier in the day, that brings the number of Korean men who've told me I'm handsome up to 4.

Pat's Blog 3.0

2008-03-03T07:35:00.002-05:00

In case you were wondering, I am in fact alive and safely in Korea.

What is Korea like, you ask? Well unfortunately I can't tell you that yet, because I'm sequestered in the mountains at a teacher orientation/training seminar 40 minutes away from Korean civilization.

Basically there are 140 teachers being indoctrinated here at the Hyundai Learning Center. I was going to put some pictures up, but there isn't really anything interesting to see. They've also politely asked us to refrain from drinking, which as you all know, I need to do in order to be creative.

However I did learn that I will be teaching elementary students. I get to meet my fellow teachers and principal at my school on Friday, then get taken to my very own apartment. After that, I'm free to frolic in the endless kimchee fields of Seoul.

Excelsior!

Zen Garden

2008-02-27T22:11:00.005-05:00

This is the famous zen rock garden at Ryoanji Temple in Kyoto. It is considered to be a masterpiece of Japanese culture. Visitors are encouraged to sit and absorb the scene, letting it reveal to them an image only they can see.

I spent a few minutes gazing at the rocks, yet the garden vexed me. I turned to my friend Masa and asked him, "Masa, what do you see?"

"I see the ocean," said Masa.

I nodded thoughtfully at this. Then I turned to my friend Mie-chan to ask her what she saw.

But she wasn't looking at the garden. She was watching television on her cellphone.

In non-Japanese matters, I am leaving for Korea in 12 hours. Not sure when I'll get my hands on the interweb again, but I promise to update as soon as I do. In the meantime, may I direct you to some other blogs concerning overseas travel?

For another take on Korea, be sure to read the musings of my colleague and blog rival Will Cote.
If you're interested in South Africa, check out Kat's Adventures. She swam with freakin' great white sharks!
Then there is Returning to the Motherland, the blog of my part-time lover and full-time friend, Alison. She'll be traveling southeast Asia for the next three months.

That should keep you entertained until I get can back online and further discuss the coming war between Tennessee and Georgia.

As the Koreans say, "See you on the flip side."

Mario Party

2008-02-25T23:33:00.001-05:00

One of the things I loved most about Japan, just behind chuhai and Japanese girls, was the arcades.

Arcades have almost died out stateside, but leave it to the country that gave us Dance Dance Revolution to keep them alive and kicking.

This is a picture of my favorite game, an arcade version of Mario Kart. Not only does it feature an actual cart to sit in that moves while you play, it takes a picture of your face and dresses you up as your favorite character.

As you can see by the picture, I have dressed myself as Mario, and as always, am victorious.

Border War

2008-02-22T14:33:00.002-05:00

I'm afraid to say I might not be going to Korea. My services may soon be needed in the coming border war against Georgia.

Georgia (or as it is more commonly known, "The Armpit of the South") suffered through a horrendous drought this past year. But the state government, instead of realizing this situation is a sign of God's hate for them, has decided to blame Tennessee.

According to Georgia's decadent and corrupt ruling class, since the state line was carelessly set in 1818, it needs to be redrawn so they can steal land and water from innocent Tennesseans.

As we say in Tennessee, "Aw hell naw."

Now to their credit, the lawmakers of my state have politely told the Georgia legislature to blow it out their ass. They feel that this dispute can be solved in a war of words. I agree, only instead of words I think we should use bullets.

If those peach-loving, cotillion-having, slack-jawed plantation owners think they're going to redraw the state line and put my house* in Georgia, they've got another thing coming. I will not hesitate to personally lead another march to the sea. Think drought is bad? Let's see how they like a scorched earth policy when they don't have any water to put out the fires.

*Actually, my parents' house

Let's Try This Again

2008-02-17T22:28:00.002-05:00

Sorry for the lack of updates. My excuse is that I was busy doing this:

That's right, I worked as The Worst Santa Ever on the Southern Belle riverboat again this year. Then I spent the next two months recovering what was left of my dignity. So I was unable to amuse you with the story of how I accidentally spent $120 at a hostess club the night before I left Japan.

The big news is that I am once again gainfully employed in a foreign country. I've been hired as a real teacher in the Korean public school system. I'm moving to the capital city of Seoul, located within convenient nuking distance of North Korea. I get a free plane ticket and my own apartment. I have no idea where in the city I will be living or teaching, but I have been assured these are minor details. My flight leaves February 28th.

Don't worry, I plan to keep lackadaisically updating my blog with pictures and tales from Korea as well as Japan. For my first entry on Korea, here is recent video of the Namdaemun Gate burning down.

This gate, remnants of the old city wall that once surrounded Seoul, was over 600 years old and regarded as the number one cultural site in the country. It survived centuries of turmoil, through 35 years of Japanese occupation and the Korean war, only to be burned down by a 70 year old man with a match and some paint thinner.

Apparently this is not the first cultural landmark this guy has torched. He was upset over not getting proper compensation for some land he sold.

Obviously I need to get there soon lest all the tourist spots get destroyed and I'm forced to spend all my time in bars. Which I'll probably do anyway.

Hide and Seek

2007-12-13T00:08:00.000-05:00

Here is a picture taken by one of Masa's friends. It's of Japanese singer Amuro Namie at a subway station in Tokyo.

This is the equivalent of running into Gwen Stefani on a Greyhound bus. Amuro is so popular that the media crowned her the "Queen of J-pop". At one time she was the biggest name in the genre, until she was eclipsed by Ayumi Hamasaki, who is bigger than Jesus in Japan. (Granted that feat isn't especially difficult.)

After her success, Hamasaki was dubbed the "Empress of J-pop". That has to sting a little. But Amuro still has a large presence in Japanese pop-culture, successfully playing the Christina Aguilera to Hamasaki's Britney Spears. (Though the Japanese rivals are slightly more classy and less universally reviled.)

Here is a big hit single of Amuro's that came out while I was in Japan. As I was walking around Nagoya, trucks with her picture on the side were driving around blasting this song.

When I meet my dream girl, that is what she'll be wearing. That, or she'll be dressed like Chun Li from Street Fighter. Or she'll be riding on a dinosaur. Any one of those is acceptable.

The Horror

2007-12-10T14:00:00.000-05:00

As evidenced by my last post, Japan doesn't spend too much time fretting over animal rights. Not much of a surprise, seeing as how some restaurants feature horse and whale on the menu. (Horse, by the way, is delicious.)

Now I love animals, but I love eating them more. So I don't lose much sleep wondering if the pandas in the zoo live fulfilling lives. However, while wandering in Sakai, I did stumble across something that made me sick to my stomach. In a small park, tucked cozily beneath an elevated highway, I found The Isle of Monkey Sorrow.

Unfortunately, these pictures can't attest to the true grotesqueness of the scene. Dozens of fat, diseased looking monkeys on a rocky island surrounded by a fetid pool of their own waste. There are no human caretakers to be seen, just a group of old men who pass the time maliciously chucking popcorn at the monkeys, attempting to hit them in the head.

This is not what a monkey is supposed to look like. The older ones were so fat, their guts hung heavily in loose skin around their waists, like meat at the bottom of a pillowcase. The smaller ones had raw, open sores where fur should be. They fought amongst each other, screeching and howling and knocking one another into the putrid moat.

And lording over them all, tucked away in the dark of a small cave in the central rock, was the leader. A massive, bloated, immobile beast, like Marlon Brando in The Isle of Dr. Moreau. His little servant monkeys would lay soggy popcorn and feces at his feet as supplication. I could barely stomach the scene and ran from the place without looking back. But all the shochu in Kansai couldn't wash away the memory.

Roadside

2007-12-06T14:22:00.000-05:00

Just a few things you can find on the side of the road in Japan. This was on a trip into Nagano prefecture. There was no one around.

Really ugly ostriches. I suspect that their destiny leads to a dinner plate.

Maltreated bears endlessly pacing in small cages of their own waste.

It's OK for ponies to eat gum wrappers, right?

If you want to see more pictures from this trip, check them out here.

Fire Festival

2007-12-03T18:47:00.000-05:00

Contrary to popular belief, there were times in Japan where I stopped boozing and actually took in some culture. In October, I went with some co-workers to a fire matsuri in Kurama, a small mountain town just outside of Kyoto. It sounded like a nice chance to get out of the city and enjoy the quiet and fresh air of the mountains.

Well, not so much with the quiet. This is the train to get to Kurama. Classic Japanese stuffed trained with the conductors pushing people inside. We stood like this for the entire 40 minute ride to the town.

Of course when we got to the small town, it was filled with foreign tourists and batty old Japanese ladies, two of my least favorite things. To top it all off, there weren't any food vendors. No barbecued corn on a stick or chuhai in sight. What kind of festival is that?

So after lots of milling about, they started lighting things on fire and walking through the street with them. The culmination of this seemed to be several small children carrying giant torches twice their size. In Japan, this isn't child endangerment, it's just adorable!

Want to see more pictures from the festival? Click here!

Blog War!

2007-11-30T14:22:00.000-05:00

At last I have returned, safe and sound, from my misadventures in Japan. Firmly ensconced in my parent's house, my belly is full of barbecued ribs and my armpits protected by actual deodorant. In this relaxed atmosphere, I can regale you with further tales from my time overseas. So gather 'round kids, because Uncle Pat is going to tell some stories that will scar you for life.

First order of business is to respond to this post by my "friend" Will Cote in Korea. It takes some moxie to claim he has eaten stranger things than me, but if he wants a war, he's got one.

This is going to be the biggest rivalry of all time. Bigger than Godzilla vs. Mothra, bigger than Alien vs. Predator, bigger than Abbott and Costello vs. The Mummy. Without further ado, I present my first dish:

Barbecued chicken heart on a stick. I am a sucker for any kind of meat on a stick, so I quickly snapped this one up. Tastes a little like beef for some reason.

Next is squid ink soup, which as the name implies, is made up of steamed squid parts served in squid ink. I would describe the taste as "squid served in squid ink". Not particularly palatable. All the Orion beer in the world can't help.

To wash it all down, how about a nice cold can of Final Fantasy VII Potion? Part of a promotion for the 10 year old game, these were all over the place for awhile. Predictably, it tasted like carbonated cold medicine. Not sure how many hit points one can restores.

Lest you think that chain restaraunts like Subway offer a haven of normal food for the weary Westerner, allow me to introduce the Caesar Salad Hot Dog Sandwich. I'd never thought to combine these two things. God bless you Japan.

Sayonara

2007-10-26T03:02:00.000-04:00

A common mistake among westerners is to translate "sayonara" as a casual goodbye. In fact it falls more in line with "farewell", as it is said when you are leaving for a long time or forever. Or if you are about to decapitate someone with a katana.

Unfortunately the time has come for me to say "sayonara" to Japan. After months of uncertainty, the inevitable has happened: I have run out of stick deodorant.

For whatever reason, the Japanese don't believe in stick deodorant. They only use powder sprays which don't keep you from sweating and rarely keep you from smelling. However you can purchase patches to wear under your arms to absorb the sweat and prevent embarrassing pit stains. How this is more convenient than a simple functional deodorant stick is beyond me, but there you have it.

So instead of being smelly and sweaty for the rest of my stay, I've decided to flee Japan. And also because my company is $385 million in debt and can't pay my salary.

As I blogged previously, Nova isn't the best run of companies. Today things came to a head. The CEO (who has been missing the last two months) was ousted by the remaining directors and the company applied for court protection from its creditors. All around Japan, every branch is closed. This is the first step in the slow march towards bankruptcy. And it means I won't be seeing my last paycheck for a long time, if ever.

This is obviously a slight problem. Without my salary, I can't really afford to stay here, as most of my money has been spent on Gundam models. And the job market in Japan for English teachers jobs is a bit flooded with the 4000 or so soon-to-be ex-Nova instructors scrambling for new employment.

So rather than give myself an ulcer and gray hair over this, I think it is best to retreat and regroup in Tennessee. My new target is Korea, where I will hopefully be working as a real teacher early next year. I fly home November 19th.

In the meantime, I'm going to become a tourist and travel around. That means I won't be updating the blog. However I will start updating it again when I return home, because I still have many odd things to share and comment on. The first order of business will be to respond to this post by my friend Will in Korea, in which he claims to have eaten weirder things than me. Of course this is utter foolishness, and I have pictures to prove I have ingested far more disgusting dishes. But as I am currently leeching wireless internet from my neighbors, my connection is weak and I am unable to upload anything. So look for a full-scale blog war once I return. You hear me Willy? I'm going to be sure to eat dolphin this month, so you'd better bring your A-game and consume the cutest animal you can find.

I won't leave you empty handed though. Here are some links to some pictures from my Japanese misadventures. Snarky comments are included, free of charge.

Pat's Osaka Home

Osaka Proper

Nagoya and into the countryside

Nara

Summertime Osaka

There will be more pictures to come. I promise more updates in the future. Check back around Thanksgiving for my new blog: Live from My Parents' Basement!

Take Me Down to Computer City

2007-09-30T04:29:00.000-04:00

Lest you all think I've been wallowing in a fog of shochu and self-pity due to my job situation, let me assure you that while yes, that is how I have been spending most of my time, I have managed to find something that brings me great joy.

Ever since I discovered the band Gyaruru and their song Meccha Macho, I have been scouring Japanese media in an attempt to find something to top it. I was beginning to think my search was in vain when I came across this:

Since you'll never get that out of your head now, allow me to tell you their name. They are Perfume, and they top Gyaruru in every category. Their dance moves are more inexplicable, their costumes are stranger, and their video is more likely to induce seizures. And not one of them is old enough to drink.

If they seem familiar, then you have a sharp eye and too much time on your hands. They're the same girls in the awesomely bizarre Japanese recycling ad I posted.

While they may seem irrepressibly cute, their lyrics have a delightfully dark, nonsensical edge. Take "Computer City" for example, where the trio cheerily spout lines like "I wonder if truth exists" and "Hey, computer, why do I have this pain?"

I'm not sure what answers await Perfume in the cruel heart of Computer City, but I wish them the best.

Fall of the Usagi Empire

2007-09-25T06:39:00.000-04:00

I've noticed this blog doesn't contain much information on my personal experiences in Japan, just aspects of the culture I find amusing. So for a change of pace, I'll post a little something about my job at Nova.

As I've said before, working at Nova is the Easiest Job in All Japan. However, my easy ticket to Japan has come at a price. Apparently, my company is going bankrupt. Schools are being closed, no one in management has been paid, and some people are getting evicted from company housing (where I currently reside). To quote Ralph Waldo Emerson: "The shit has hit the fan."

Of course Nova has not told me any of this. This is all gleaned from blogs and Japanese news sources. This article from the Japan Times Online nicely summarizes the situation and illustrates what the philosopher O.N. Hardy would describe as "another fine mess I've gotten myself into."

Tuesday, Sept. 25, 2007

THE ZEIT GIST

Is it all over for Nova?

As 'eikaiwa' giant plans school closures amid credit crunch, some fear the worst

By BEN STUBBINGS
Staff writer

"The dark clouds that have been hanging heavily over us will be cast aside," reads the English translation of Nova Corp. CEO Nozomu Sahashi's memo faxed to staff Friday. "I said previously 'the darkest time is before the dawn,' and finally the first light of dawn can be seen."

The "Nova Bunny" holds up a demand for payment that was send to a Nova-managed apartment after the corporation didn't cough up the rent this month. BEN STUBBINGS PHOTO

Nova is on the rocks, and the rosy forecast from the man at the helm of the Osaka-based "eikaiwa" behemoth may not be enough to reassure members of the 7,000-strong Nova crew — including some 5,000 foreigners — that the company isn't sinking as Japan's biggest conversation school chain plans to abandon at least 200 of its 900 branches, according to reports.

For the second month in a row, wages were paid late in September. Some teachers — those in the Osaka and Tokyo areas — were paid on time on the 14th; others received their wages on the 18th. Titled instructors are anxiously waiting to see if they get paid as promised on Tuesday 25th — 11 days late. Teachers in Nova-managed accommodation have received eviction warnings over unpaid rent despite the fact the company has been deducting money for this purpose from employees' salaries.

Nova's labor-relations and legal woes over the past years have been well documented, but the biggest blow for the firm was the punishment meted out by the Japanese government to the firm for deceiving students about lesson availability: The Ministry of Economy, Trade and Industry (METI) slapped business restrictions on the corporation in June, banning the signup of new students on upfront — and lucrative — long-term contracts for a six-month period. The bad publicity generated by the decision has led to increasing numbers of students canceling contracts and demanding refunds from the cash-strapped firm.

"It's kind of like a financial run on a bank," said Louis Carlet, deputy secretary general of the National Union of General Workers Tokyo Nambu, which counts hundreds of Nova employees among its members. "That's why this could be the biggest consumer wipeout in Japanese history, because the customers are depositing all this money as if in a bank, assuming the money will be there, and now . . . Nova students are getting worried that they're gonna get wiped out, so they're rushing to cancel the contracts and the more they rush the more Nova can't pay their bills."

However, Nova boss Sahashi is upbeat about the future. "I would like to inform you that the prospects look clearer for the refunds of cancellations that have accumulated until now and that a schedule has been established for refunding this money from the end of this month," he wrote to staff Friday. "With this there will be no concern regarding salaries from next month onwards. I cannot announce further details at the moment but would like you to feel reassured and concentrate on business as usual."

So what — if anything — does Nova have up its sleeve? Nova declined to comment over the phone for this story and e-mails to the corporation's Tokyo and Osaka offices went unanswered.

The memo failed to impress Ken Worsley, Tokyo-based business consultant and editor of Japan Economy News.

"It is vague and contains no proof or evidence that something legitimate is on the way," he wrote in an e-mail. "We should remember that in December 2005, a few weeks before eikaiwa operator NCB went bankrupt in January 2006, its management issued a similar notice, telling employees that they were about to receive a 'capital injection' from a large investor. It never happened, and on the day before January's payday, NCB locked its doors forever and failed to pay staff or instructors. I see the same pattern evolving with Nova."

The closure of some 200 schools, reportedly in the Tokyo area and Osaka, Hyogo and Aichi prefectures, should bring in a bundle of cash from savings on rent and the possible sale/rental of Nova-owned property. Is this the first stage in a process of consolidation that could save Nova from bankruptcy?

"I don't think that Nova's reported downsizing is a plan in the sense of being a well-thought-out business strategy so much as it is damage control," Worsley said. "It has been suggested that they are being evicted from some locations, which would certainly indicate that cash flow problems run truly deep. On the other hand, if Nova has embarked upon a strategic downsizing without making an announcement to its employees and investors, one is forced to wonder to what extent the top management may be trusted."

With Nova's share price hovering around the ¥40 mark, down from around ¥100 in June (after hitting a high of ¥1,750 in 1999) and last quarter's dismal financial report — Nova posted a ¥4.5 billion operating loss over the April-June period (before the METI order), nearly four times the loss over the whole of the last financial year — you might expect shareholders to be clamoring for the heads of top management. However, Nova's top shareholders at least — Nova Kikaku (the corporation's holding company) and Sahashi himself — appear to have faith in the current management. And despite the firm now going for a knock-down price, the fact that the same people who got Nova into this mess are still at the controls may put off potential buyers or partners.

"It would be a brave company that would take over a company in Nova's situation without a change in management," said Bob Tench, vice president of the Nova union. "The company has a large infrastructure, which in itself is a valuable asset; it has a lot of experience amongst its employees; and with the share price being so low it would be a good buy for a company — provided they could insert a new top management to run things properly from now on."

Travel agency H.I.S. was reported to have been talking with Nova about a tieup in July, and some reports have suggested the stumbling block was Nova management's insistence on staying put. Sahashi, in an interview following the METI order, also ruled out joining forces with other eikaiwa firms. "I don't want to tie up with a fellow trader," he said.

With Nova running out of both money and options, talk is increasingly turning to the possibility of bankruptcy.

"I think that Nova's chances of pulling through and surviving as a company are slim at best," Worsley said days after the school closures were reported. "I have predicted before that the company would go under around the beginning of November, and I see no reason to change that statement at this point. Late payment is a huge red flag that a company simply does not have a strong enough cash flow to deal with its operating costs. Given that we have seen two late salary payments in a row, I take this as a sign that Nova is nearing insolvency."

If Nova files for bankruptcy, one concern — among many — for employees would be getting hold of unpaid wages. If teachers have time left on their visas and procedures go smoothly, this wouldn't be a major problem, according to Carlet.

The prospects for students hoping to get money back that they paid Nova upfront for lessons, however, are bleaker.

"The students are very unlikely . . . to get much of their money back, and in the past — like with Lado — other schools have been willing to take the students, sometimes for free or half-price," Carlet said, referring to an eikaiwa chain that went bankrupt in May. "However Nova, being the Goliath it's always been in the industry, is not in either of the two industry organizations."

A nightmare even worse than bankruptcy for Nova staff and students would be if the corporation soldiered on after all hope was lost, said Carlet.

"If they don't officially go bankrupt that means the teachers won't be dismissed, they just won't be paid, and if they resign they'd have to wait three months (for unemployment insurance), and if they don't resign we have to prove that it's effectively a bankruptcy, which takes time, so either way they're in serious trouble if Nova doesn't officially go bankrupt."

It's a scenario that is well within the realms of possibility considering how much is at stake for those at the top of the firm, said Worsley.

"The only incentives are fear and greed. Let's not forget: Should Nova go down, its top management will be in serious personal financial difficulties and will be unhireable. For top management, it makes sense to keep the company running as long as possible in hopes that someone will buy it out. This happened with NCB and Lado, yet in the end no one bought them out."

With so much uncertainty surrounding the firm's future, many teachers are not sticking around to see if Nova can weather the storm. Berlitz alone received some 200 applications over a couple of days last week from Nova teachers seeking jobs, said a company source.

So stay tuned for my next blog entry, as I detail what it's like to be unemployed overseas and living in an internet cafe!

Sukiyaki Western

2007-09-17T04:52:00.000-04:00

The Samurai film and the Western are iconic genres for cinema on both sides of the Pacific. And over the past 50 years, they have borrowed thematic elements from each other ad nauseum. But it wasn't until recently someone finally thought, hey, let's just put both of them together. This is the result: Sukiyaki Western Django.

Yes, this is a Japanese film, yes, they are speaking in English, yes, that was Quentin Tarantino, and yes, this is totally awesome. It's the latest offering from Japanese cult director Takashi Miike.

What can be said about Miike? Tarantino is a huge fan of his, if that tells you anything. His average number of directed features in a year is five, although in 2002 he directed eight. He claims Starship Troopers is his favorite movie. Some of his more infamous works are Ichi the Killer and Visitor Q. The former is probably the first film to feature the slicing off of a human face, tongue, and female nipple all in the same fifteen minutes, while the latter is so depraved I don't feel comfortable describing it. Let's just say it opens with the text, "Have you ever had sex with your dad?", and goes downhill from there.

So needless to say I was pretty excited when I saw the trailer for this movie. I saw the whole thing today and was not disappointed. But that may have something to do with the fact you can buy draft beer at Japanese movie theaters.

Earlier this year, Miike was responsible for Ryu ga Gotoku, a Japanese gangster film based on a popular video game. It features a series of interweaving narratives, which include a bungled bank heist, a teenage couple who are robbing convenience stores to pay for an abortion, and an ex-yakuza thug who tries to help an abandoned girl find her prostitute mother, while he is pursued by a eye-patch wearing, golden bat wielding sociopath. Now who among us can't relate to at least one of those situations?

If you're interested, here is the six minute trailer for your viewing pleasure:

Domo-kun Exposed

2007-09-13T06:10:00.000-04:00

If you have used the internet any time in the past ten years, odds are you have seen this:

Hilarious. This was first passed on to me by my thoughtful friend Will Cote when we were freshman in college. Obviously a perfect time to come across such a thing.

But after the initial hilarity of the idea that God will murder kittens if you touch yourself wore off, I was left with a vexing question: just what the hell are those things in the background?

Will's response at the time was, "It's God, dude." That was a satisfying enough answer for me, and soon I let this little internet meme slip into the depths of my subconscious memory, along with the dance moves to "Too Legit to Quit" and the names of all the Dino-Riders. And it probably would have stayed there, had I not been walking through a store in Japan and seen this:

His name is Domo-kun. And contrary to his image, he's not a flesh-eating monster. He's a character on a children's TV show, of all things. He lives in an underground cave with an old rabbit named Mr. Usaji. All he can say is "Domo" and he spends most episodes watching TV. There are two versions: one is stop motion, and the other is a man in a terrifying giant purple suit. You can see it here, in the opening to the show:

That is easily the greatest opening to any show I have ever seen, or ever will see. I might as well stop watching television right now.

I also really want that costume. Then, God willing, if I one day have children, I will wait until they are a tender, impressionable age, then burst into their room dressed as Domo-kun screaming and shouting on Christmas morning.

Speaking of my friend Will Cote, he is currently a (real) teacher in Seoul, South Korea, and has his own blog, A Little Korean. If you are curious about life there, be sure to check it out. While he lacks my good looks, he more than makes up for it in height and blondness. He also has more pictures than I do, because he actually has a camera.

Love and Peace Life

2007-08-23T02:11:00.000-04:00

Part of the experience of being a foreigner in Japan is observing how English is comically mangled for use in advertisements and slogans. Take, for example, this billboard I can see from my apartment balcony:

To the non-native speaker, these words probably sound pretty cool together. To me, they sound like the imposing commands of robot overlords from a dystopian future. Although some mornings, it is a little inspiring. I step outside, see that off in the distance and I think to myself, "You know what? I think I will."

But the best thing I've seen, and maybe will ever see, was this t-shirt:

In case you can't make it all out, this is what it says:

JESUSCRIST

Always love you

Respect Love

No border line

No hate each other

Get fuck'n love and peace life

Laugh if you must, but I think that is the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. And before we get all haughty over how they screw up English, consider this: That tattoo you have in Chinese characters in all likelihood doesn't mean "Peace and Love," but rather "Pig Anus."

Finally, in regards to site maintenance, I realized today that youtube has been busy removing all my precious videos I've posted in my blog. I've replaced most of them with videos from Veoh.com, which are better quality and hopefully more reliable. It's what I'll be using from now on, so if anyone has problems seeing them, let me know. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to find replacements for my favorite videos, the Intel body-swap CMs.

Behold! The Mega Mac

2007-08-19T06:41:00.000-04:00

Avert your eyes, lest you be blinded by the full force of its majesty:

Up yours, Morgan Spurlock! That's right, it's a four patty Big Mac, found only in the Japanese isles. Because in Japan, they believe if something is worth doing, it's worth doing to the limit of reason. This particular masterpiece assaults the intestinal tracks of the Japanese for limited times throughout the year. No one knows when it will suddenly return, and it vanishes as quickly as it appears. I've heard tales of people trying to buy a Mega Mac only to be told they are sold out. How that is possible is beyond me, as you can easily see it only requires two extra patties to make.

And how in Buddha's name do you wash down a Mega Mac? Why with a cool bottle of Pepsi Ice Cucumber, of course.

Pepsi Ice Cucumber, as the name suggests, is meant to taste like a cucumber caked in sugar. And that it does. But only the aftertaste. The rest of it tastes like liquefied and carbonated cotton candy. It actually hurts my teeth when I drink it. Yes, I have consumed both of these items, albeit not at the same time. Maybe one day if I have to commit seppuku I will, but not before then.

But don't think Japan only spends its time figuring out ways to shorten the life expectancy gap between it and America. Recycling is a big issue here and it is taken very seriously, as evidenced by this public service announcement:

Now I don't know about you, but I think that is much better way to get the word out about recycling than some crying Indian.

Meccha Maccho

2007-07-26T07:09:00.000-04:00

Today, a special musical treat. Those of you on Facebook know I've recently started posting videos from Japan that amuse me. For the benefit of those not on the epidemic social networking site, I'm going to repost them here. (Also because I just figured out how to embed videos into my posts)

And for the first entry, there is nothing better than the first music video from the latest J-Pop crime against humanity, Gyaruru. It's their (hit?) single Boom Boom Meccha Maccho, which loosely translates as "Boom Boom Extremely Macho."

(Disclosure: I have yet to make it through the whole thing in one viewing.)

There are two version of this video: the one you have just endured and a "story version". The difference is that in the story version, the trio actually enter the candy house behind them and eat a variety of sweets. However it doesn't really shed any light on the song's cryptic meaning, and I feel this simpler version does a better job of highlighting the dancing. (Particularly the fact that the one in the middle can't)

My First Night in Japan

2007-07-23T05:10:00.000-04:00

Whoops! Sorry for the lack of updates. I've been too busy watching videos of puppies vs. cats to update my little blog this past month.

To make up for it, I promise an update every two days with some actual pictures from my stay Japan.

Impressed? Should be. So let's start with some pictures of the hotel where I spent my first night in Japan, the luxurious Dotombori Hotel.

As you can see, the hotel is tastefully decorated with garish, bipedal heads. What I have spared you from is a view of the rears of these statues and the revelation that while they don't even have kneecaps, they do have asses.

And no, you're not a racist. Those heads a purposefully made as offense ethnic caricatures in order to "extend a warm welcome to guests from the four corners of the earth." A bottle of Pepsi Ice Cucumber goes to the first person to guess correctly!

Peace.

I have a big meeting!

2007-06-24T11:07:00.000-04:00

I think this TV ad starting running right when I got here, so I'm fond of it as one of my first memories of my Japanese experience. On a greater level, it a representation of the joyful bafflement I felt for my first few months. It works best if you go in not knowing what to expect:

I almost choked to death on ramen when I saw that for the first time. I for one have never understood what purpose advertising for computer processors serves, so this commercial is doubly confusing. Intel's newest creation makes you switch bodies unexpectedly? That sounds more inconvenient than anything else.

To my delight, they released another ad in this series. While the sequel isn't as racially insensitive as the first, it is equally as hilarious and inappropriate for different reasons:

The best part about this is how it expands the narrative. Poor Takashi obviously never got his body back and has remained an adult black man since we last saw him, no doubt causing much titillation amongst his school mates and neighbors. This latest change is sure to bring him increased popularity and a string of increasingly awkward situations.

The attention to detail is to be admired too. Watch the mother fearfully shake her head as she realizes her adolescent son is about discover he has breasts. Priceless. As for what the ballet instructor says to reassure the poor girl who has inherited John's body, I can only hope it is something about black men being superior ballerinas.

Now while this seems like a bizarre way to sell computer hardware, consider this: It makes about as much sense as the Blue Man Group.

Big Bad Nova

2007-06-16T03:37:00.000-04:00

Nova is arguably the number one language school in Japan, boasting some 400,000 students and 900 branches. Also employing 6,000 instructors makes it the biggest importer of foreigners into the country, topped only by the US military. Yet for all its accomplishments, the company is a classic example of the difference between being famous and being infamous.

Calling it a language school is something of a misnomer. In reality it is a language company, profit-driven and focused on the bottom line as are all corporations. And like all corporations, they have their share of scandal.

The problem for Nova is that all their biggest ones happened in the last six months.

For today I'll just gloss over the drugs, murder and porn to focus on the biggest story: that Nova's business operations have been curtailed for the little old reason that they tried to swindle their students.

Basically, Nova fudged a bit to students about refunds and lesson availability. As a result, the Ministry of Economy, Trade and Industry said they can't sign any new students into long term contracts for the next six months. Now that isn't quite as devastating as it sounds, but it isn't helpful and is an unprecedented move against a language company. And in image-conscience Japan, its not the best story for your company to have splattered across the news.

Nova recently posted a 2 billion yen loss for the last fiscal year and the stock price as of this moment is hovering at about 75 cents a share. Six months of bad press can do that to a company. So far though there hasn't been any impact for the teachers. But I do spend my breaks now pondering how to parlay my skills in the fields of maintenance and donut sales into a job in Japan.

The best part of this story, which I almost missed because I'm getting too accustomed to weird things, is that the job of the METI is to enforce a law that protects consumers in the fields of education, beauty services and arranged marriages. I'm sure their employees always have an interesting day at the office.

My Wife is Gone

2007-06-06T04:43:00.001-04:00

Here is another great Nova commercial featuring the Nova Tomo Guys.

Now I like this one because it accurately portrays the kind of candor my students demonstrate in the lessons. Apparently speaking in another language is very liberating because people say things you don't usually share with total strangers. A few examples from my own experience:

(Example #1)
Me: And how are you today?

Student: I'm very depressed.

Me: You're depressed? Why?

Student: I've had a sore throat all month. So yesterday I went to the doctor. He said I have a tumor in my throat. I have to have surgery.

Me: ... Christ.

Student: But I will be ok because they found it early.

Me: ... oh, ok ... well, does anyone have any good news to share?

(Example #2)
Me: And how about you? Is there anything you are bad at?

Student: I'm bad at meeting Koreans.

Me: ... (sighing) Ok, why are you bad at meeting Koreans?

Student: Because Koreans are very aggressive. I hate them.

Me: Great. Ok, so today we're going to practice talking about things we can do ...

How to Get a Haircut in Japan

2007-05-27T09:40:00.000-04:00

I have a long, sad history of getting bad haircuts when I go to new barbers. It's not that the barbers lack skill, but for some reason I have great difficulty communicating what I want done to my hair, which always results in me getting my sideburns buzzed off and looking like a douche. So you can understand why I was more than a little nervous about cutting my hair in Japan. I have a hard enough time avoiding military fade cuts from barbers who speak English.

That's when I turned to my Man In Japan, Masa. He runs the local bar, Bar 60. He's done a lot for me already: acted as a translator on my dates, kept me supplied with potato wine, and gotten me beat up by a bunch of 10-year-old soccer hooligans.

That last incident notwithstanding, I know I can trust him. So in my hour of need, I turned to him again as I concocted a brilliant plan to get my haircut.

My roommate Ryan cleverly gets his haircut by presenting a picture of himself to the barber. In the picture his hair is neat and short. Unfortunately for me, I have no such pictures. So I did the next best thing:

I had Masa write me some carefully worded instructions on how to cut my hair in Japanese, accompanied by a picture explicitly imploring the barber to not buzz off my sideburns.

I then took this picture to the local barber, a uniquely Japanese establishment that promised a 10 minute haircut for 1000 yen (about $8.30). What makes it different is that instead of paying the barber, you walk up to a giant vending machine, put in your money and pull out a ticket. This is what you give to the barber.

So when my turn came up, I confidently told my stylist "Nihongo iye" (which may or may not mean "no Japanese") and presented my note. He eyed it curiously for a moment, then nodded and motioned for me to sit.

As I sat there, it occurred to me that I had no idea what exactly my note said. For all I knew Masa had written "Shave a skunk stripe down the center of this stupid American's head."

Luckily Masa came through for me again, as these before and after photos illustrate. Check out my gloriously intact sideburns and complimentary comb in the after picture.

And if you'll look in the background, you can see how happy it's made the Nova American Teddy Bear.

We are Nova Tomo, Right?

2007-05-17T04:57:00.000-04:00

I want to give a quick glimpse into the world of Japanese advertising today, particularly that of my employer, Nova.

Now Nova claims to be the biggest language school in Japan. I'm not sure if that is true, but it sure looks that way. Their branches are everywhere and so are their commercials. And who is the official mascot of such a large corporation whose job it is to "build a bridge between cultures"? Why this guy, of course:
The Nova Usagi, an anthropomorphic pink rabbit with a beak. And just how does the Usagi entice people to drop large sums of money on Nova lessons? I'm glad you asked. Usually his (or her, I haven't figured it out yet) sales pitches play out something like this:

This is a very popular and prevalent Japanese ad strategy: confuse people into buying your product. And in this case it seems to work, because the public is crazy about Nova Usagi. This is not that surprising though, as the Japanese have a weak spot for small misshapen animals with no digits on their hands and feet.

Personally I am fan of the more recent Nova commercials. They are decidedly more Western in that they have a small plot and make some kind of sense. This campaign has also given me my current favorite catchphrase, "We are Nova-tomo, Right?"
("tomo" is short for "tomodachi" which means friends)

Posters for Nova have pictures of these guys running hand-in-hand through cherry blossom orchards, with cheesecake looks of bliss on their faces. Don't you want to learn English now?

Ballad of Mike and Miho: Epilogue

2007-05-12T06:49:00.000-04:00

Read Part One, Part Two

With a heavy heart, I write what is (I hope) the last stanza in the poem that is my experience with my 44-year old roommate Mike.

After skipping out on his flight home, Mike stayed true to his word and attempted to patch things up with Miho over the next week. It was quite the roller coaster, and Mike, a man twice my age who had actually been married before, sought my counsel on his troubles several times a day. (I was, in effect, his only friend in the entire country) I repeatedly said that I just didn't know what to tell him, especially the night when he confided that because he had caught his ex-wife in bed with another man, he wasn't sure he could ever fully trust Miho. That evening I looked not on another human being, but a giant quivering mass of adult insecurity. It was disconcerting.

But I didn't truly worry for his relationship, as the multiple fights I witnessed between Mike and Miho illustrated that they break up every two days. Mike would rant and rave over some small slight ("Why did you say I think too much in front of another man? I don't know about Japan, but you don't criticize people like that where I'm from!") and then accuse Miho of wanting to sleep with someone.

This revelation made me feel much better. It wasn't that Mike thought just I wanted to sleep with his middle-aged girlfriend; he accused every man that spoke to her.

For her part, Miho handled every tantrum in stride. Obviously she had dealt with this many times before in the past two years. (How the drama played out over the internet I can only imagine)

Let me take this chance to say that Mike was really a nice guy. It just happened that everything he did annoyed the shit out of me. The whining, the insecurity, the indecisiveness ... not just in his relationship with Miho but his entire life.

It quickly became apparent that Mike couldn't cut it at the Nova job. He asked me endless questions about it, despite my reassurances that it was The Easiest Job in All Japan. (The incident with Miho telling him he thought too much was related to Nova)

So it didn't come as much of a surprise when I learned that Mike walked out of training for the third time in two weeks, telling the area manager that he just couldn't do it. And Nova is the kind of company that if you quit them twice, they'll give you the benefit of the doubt. But quit three times and you're dead to them.

When he told me, I didn't ask why he quit. I didn't ask what job in Japan he thought he was qualified to do since he didn't speak Japanese and couldn't handle an entry level teaching job that involved limited responsibility and required no previous experience. All I cared about was this: We lived in a Nova apartment, and if he was no longer an employee, he had to go.

And so it went. One week later Mike was gone, on a plane back home to visit his kids before he turned right back around and tried to have another go at life in Japan. If he makes it back, I'll be stunned. He asked for my phone number before he left, and in one last gesture of kindness I gave it to him. I don't know where he will live when he gets back or how he will make money, but I do know this: he's going to be making a lot of unanswered phone calls to me because I transposed two of the numbers.

The End ... ?

Curse of the Colonel

2007-05-06T01:08:00.000-04:00

Since being in Osaka, I have adopted the local baseball team, the Hanshin Tigers, as my own. The Tigers are known for their fanatical fan base and are the eternal rivals of self-proclaimed emperors of Japanese baseball, the Tokyo Giants. Think Red Sox vs. Yankees in terms of intensity.

And just like the Red Sox, the Tigers have their own curse to explain why they haven't won the Japan Championship Series since 1985. If you thought the Curse of the Billy Goat was the most asinine explanation for a championship drought, then you have obviously never heard of the Curse of the Colonel.

Yes, that Colonel. Col. Harland Sanders of Kentucky Fried Chicken. Or more accurately, his current avatar which takes the form of store-front statues all across Japan. It is one such statue that is at the heart of all the Tigers' woes.

When Hanshin won the JCS in 1985, their fans predictably went a little crazy. They gathered at the Ebisubashi Bridge in downtown Osaka, where they started leaping into the canal in celebration. The story is that they were calling out the names of the Hanshin players, and whoever looked like that player jumped in the water.

This was not a problem until they came to the name of Randy Bass, an American slugger who helped carry the team to the championship. Gaijin look-a-likes were in short supply among the revelers. So they found the next best thing: a statue of Col. Sanders. (The similarities between Bass and Sanders being obvious, as they were both white and had mustaches)

In short order the fans located a statue, ripped in from the ground and tossed it into the polluted depths of the Dotonbori canal. Little did they realize the terrible fate their action had brought upon their beloved team.

Right after their winning season, the Tigers went on an epic 18-year losing streak. The only logical explanation for this: the enraged ghost of Sanders had cursed the team and they would never win the championship again until his statue was recovered.

Many attempts have been made to retrieve him, but the Col. has never been found. (The plaster statue was no doubt dissolved by the toxic sludge that courses through the canal, but no one seems to have considered this) So to this day, the Tigers have not won the big one.

On a positive note, the curse apparently had no effect on Randy Bass, who is now a state senator for Oklahoma.

Oklahoma State Senator Randy Bass then and now, looking decidedly more Colonel-like as his days wear on.

The Ballad of Mike and Miho, part two

2007-04-29T06:26:00.000-04:00

After receiving Miho's request to spy on Mike and learning I had misjudged her to be a sane person, I quickly deleted the message from my phone. Getting trapped in the middle of a dysfunctional cross-cultural romance is not why I came to Japan. So I just wouldn't respond to Miho and that would be the end of that.

Of course it was already too late.

It was the day before Mike was supposed to go home and see his kids. I came back from work after stopping to watch some awkward looking high school kids play classical music. My hope was that if I delayed for a few hours, Mike and Miho would have already left the apartment. A good plan, if only I had come back one minute later.

When I reached for the door and found it unlocked, my heart sank. Shit, they're here. No matter. My room is right next to the entryway, I only need five steps to kick off my shoes and slip in unnoticed.

That would have worked too, if Miho hadn't been sitting in the doorway crying and blocking my way.

Shit shit shit. Ok, just get to your room. Don't look at her. Don't meet her eyes. Just move awkwardly around her and ... oh no. Oh no she's standing. Open the door. Don't look at her. Don't ... aw hell.

Miho wiped her eyes with one hand and gently closed my door with the other. She started apologizing. She was sorry, but not sorry enough to let me go in my room. Whispering, she started telling me something. Mike was leaving tomorrow, she couldn't be there ... and who knows. It sounded like a question, so I just mumbled something vaguely positive sounding and retreated to my room.

Just in time. Mike (who was also crying when I came in) came out of his room to interrogate her. "What did you just say to Patrick?" I hastily turned on my computer and cranked some music up. Then Mike stormed out. Then he came back. Then Miho left. Then Mike left. Then they came back. Arguing about who knows what. I didn't care, I just wanted to be left alone. Finally, they left what seemed to be for good.

Hours later I was sitting on the couch watching baseball, enjoying a nice bowl of ramen. Suddenly Mike came sulking in. Alone. He sat at the table and ... just sat there. Sighing. For ten straight minutes. Like a moody emo teen who is upset about something but won't tell you until you ask. They don't want to be a bother. They'll just sit there and audibly sigh, over and over, not bothering you at all.

Don't look at him. Just watch TV. Don't say anything. Don't even move. He'll go away eventually.

"Hey Patrick, mind if I ask you something?"
Shit. Yeah Mike, what is it?
"Earlier today, when Miho was talking to you, what did she say?"
Shit. Well to be honest Mike, I can't really understand her when she talks. Something about you leaving tomorrow.
"She didn't say anything about me? Or about us?"
Umm no, just that you were leaving and that she couldn't be there or something.
"Yeah, she won't be there, we broke up. She's furious that I'm leaving her, said I shouldn't leave her, so it's over."
Ah. I see ... I'm ... sorry to hear that.
"Yeah ... has she called you or anything? Did she give you her number?"
Run. (audible gulp) Yeah, yeah she did the other day, I think just so she could get in touch with you in an emergency, you know, something like that.
"Yeah ... yeah. She's very thoughtful. She's a wonderful woman, a great woman, and she's on the market now, obviously, so ..."
Yeah well ... what?
"Just that, she's a great woman, you know, I don't know if you're interested but she's definitely a great woman for a guy to have."
Listen, Mike, listen, just give her some time. I'm sure she'll cool down.

That seemed to get through. He asked to use my laptop to email her. So I let him, and then watched him sit next to me on the couch and check it every ten minutes to see if she replied. It was painful to see a grown man in this state. I checked the clock. 9:25. Too early to act like I was going to sleep. I'd have to wait until at least 10. Poor bastard. Despite my discomfort and irritation, I was starting to feel bad for him.

Then the text message from Miho came.

"Patrick, did Miho send you a message? She says she just did."
Uh, sent me a message? Let me check ... yeah, got a message right here ...
"What does it say mate, if you don't mind me asking?"

So I started reading it aloud:

"Mike is upset at me. I wanted to ask you in case something happens to him through text messaging. But he thinks I wanted ..."

I stopped speaking.

"But he thinks I wanted to sleep with you or something. But he can't say anything now, because I told him he hurt me with his decision and his words. He might say something about it but please forgive him."

I stared at it. Then Mike, sitting right next to me: "What does she say?"
Nothing, I said briskly, snapping the phone shut. She was just apologizing for earlier today when I walked in on you two. No big deal.

And now I had Miho's side of the story. I didn't ask for it, but there it was. And I was a major character.

With this information, the act of Mike telling me Miho was available became even weirder. Was he trying to catch me being interested? Was he backing away from her like an animal that just lost a mating ritual?

Not having learned my lesson from the outcome of my first good deed, I forced my phone on Mike and made him call his girlfriend. Not out of concern for his relationship, mind you. I just wanted to get him away from me.

Two hours later he gave me my phone back. The battery had died, but he said he tied things up with Miho. I didn't care. It was finally late enough to go to sleep, so I grabbed my phone and ran off before he could strike up more conversation.

Laying on my futon that night, I contemplated the actions that brought me to one of the most uncomfortable evenings of my life. What could I have done different? How much of this is my fault? Is Mike the kind of man to sneak into my room and put a pillow over my face?
Eventually I just brushed it aside. Mike was leaving for the airport early tomorrow. He would be gone before I even woke up and I wouldn't have to worry about him again. With no Miho, he'd have no reason to come back to Japan. My home life would be serene once again.

I bounded up the next morning, ready to face the day. The sun was out, the birds were singing, and Mike hadn't tried to kill me in my sleep. Nothin' gettin' me down today!

As I opened the door, it hit something outside. A large pair of black shoes. Mike's shoes. Shoes that should be cruising at 20,000 feet at that very moment.

I stepped out and looked into the kitchen. There was Mike.

"Good news mate! I cancelled that flight. My kids are alright, they don't need me right away. I'm going to stay here, try to work things out with Miho."

Work them out, right here, in front of me, in my tiny Japanese apartment.

The Ballad of Mike and Miho, part one

2007-04-24T08:39:00.000-04:00

Sooner or later, you must answer for every good deed.
- The Magnificent Seven

This is the tragic tale of the romance between my middle-aged roommate Mike and his Japanese girlfriend Miho, their names changed for litigation purposes. It is also a cautionary tale concerning my own folly, illustrating why you should never do anything nice for anyone, ever.

Our story begins but one short week ago ...

When my new roommate Mike showed up, I was a little surprised. I was not expecting someone my father's age to move to Japan and take an entry level teaching job primarily designed for recent college grads. But here he was, and he was friendly and full of energy, bounding around the apartment like a kid away from home for the first time.

He was talkative too. Within an hour, I knew his basic life story. He was divorced. He had two teenage kids. He used to do law work. Now he was here in Japan to spend time with his girlfriend Miho before he whisked her off back to his homeland to marry her. He just wanted to experience her culture and get her mother's permission to wed. A romantic concept, and I gave him credit for making such a move at his age.

Yes, Mike was talkative. Perhaps just a little too much. By the end two hours I knew more about his relationship with Miho than it is appropriate to tell someone you have just met. For example, when he explained how loud she gets during sex (a statement he has since reiterated several times). I'm sure she'd be thrilled to know I hold this information in confidence.

Miho is a nice enough person, although her English can be hard to understand. Not that I listen very well, as I spend most of my mental energy trying not to picture her bedroom antics as I speak to her.

So when I first met her I tried to steer the conversation to something simple. How long have you two been together?

"Oh about two years, six months and seven days," Mike said.

Wow. I see. And how did you meet, if you don't mind my asking?

"Oh boy, let's see, I think it was in a dream, wasn't it Miho?"

Translation: the internet.

No matter though, I'm not one to judge. They seemed very happy together. And best of all, with a Japanese girlfriend, Mike needed no help to get adjusted. She would take care of everything.

Unfortunately, fate had other plans. Mike got a distressing call that his ex-wife had been diagnosed with cancer. Now guilt wracked him for being so far from his kids when they needed him. He felt he should go home and be with them, at least for a little while. So the next day he took a month of emergency leave from Nova. That night he would tell Miho of his decision.

Generosity ... that was my first mistake.

Walls in Japan are notoriously thin. So that night I could indeed hear Miho's storied moans of passion, mixing alternately with her arguing with Mike and Mike's tearful, sobbing apologies to her for leaving so soon. But he promised he would be back.

The next morning brought a series of soft knocks on my door. So soft I wasn't sure they were knocks at all. When I looked out, there was Miho. She was leaning close and speaking in a conspiratorial whisper. She had a card in her hand, a card with her number on it.

She was asking if I could text her. Something about Mike, and please would I text her. Then she left.

I wasn't quite sure what to make of it. I considered of asking Mike, but the thought of saying "Hey Mike, any idea why your girlfriend just gave me her telephone number?" wasn't appealing. So I narrowed it down to two possibilities:

1. In case of an emergency, she wanted to get in touch with Mike through my phone since he didn't have one yet

or

2. She wanted me to spy on him and tell her what his state of mind was.

I puzzled it over for the next day. I briefly considered just doing nothing. But in the end I felt like I should help out. Here Mike was, in Japan, with an emergency at home, a job in limbo and a pissed-off girlfriend. What a small act it would be if I could help out by letting her reach him through my phone.

So I assumed the first possibility, since it was the least weird of the two, and sent Miho a message saying she could reach Mike through my phone if need be.

Wrong guess. She wanted a spy.

She wrote back that she didn't want to reach him, she wanted me to tell her how he was doing. They had a huge fight because Mike decided to go back without even asking her how she felt. She was hurt and sad but she would try to think of his feelings. She thanked me for being a caring person. Then she ended with these ominous words: "Please don't tell Mike I asked you."

And just like that I was in the middle of their relationship, a prominent player in a sad farce of misunderstandings and tenuous love ...

The Loudspeaker of the People

2007-04-18T02:18:00.000-04:00

If you think American political campaigns are annoying, then don't ever come to Japan. What you see on the right is the most common method of running for public office: driving around in a tiny van with your picture on the side and loudspeakers on top. And what do you do with this setup? Well, starting at 6am, you turn the volume up so it can be heard for 3 blocks in every direction and start shouting out campaign promises. Then you drive around your district doing this until nightfall.

This is, without a doubt, the most obnoxious thing I have ever experienced. I woke up to a foreign language being shouted over loudspeakers every morning for two weeks straight. It's what I imagine waking up in North Korea to be like.

When a politician is tired of annoying people in this manner, then they simple pull up to the side of the road, get out and make a stump speech. This is, as far as I know, the way every politician campaigns, all the way up to members of parliament.

It has many obvious drawbacks, not the least of which is safety. This was shockingly illustrated just the other day, when the mayor of Nagasaki was gunned down by a Yakuza member while on the campaign.

The Yokai Children and the Hanami of a Thousand Shames

2007-04-11T01:17:00.000-04:00

What I write now I write with the deepest regret, for I feel I have failed my country, let down the American people, and perhaps weakened the resolve of our allies.

This Sunday I was invited to that most Japanese of events, a cherry blossom viewing party. These parties take the form of sitting under cherry trees and drinking a great deal. My kind of scene.

Everyone was having fun and I was having a pleasant time telling lies about what Tennessee is like. Then, after I had finished a half a bottle of shochu, someone decided it would be great fun to challenge some kids in the park to a game of soccer.

I had a bad feeling. I tried to get out of it. I tried to explain that Americans don't play soccer after the age of twelve. But there was no avoiding it. I was quickly pressed into service and made keeper.

Keeper should be easy enough, I thought. There wouldn't be any running around at all. And the goal was only the width of the dirt path behind me. Time to have some fun with these kids.

I was sure the first goal that made it past me was a fluke. The second one stunned me. After the third one, I was pulled out and put on offense.

I think we scored twice. I stopped counting after they passed eight.

Now let me stress these were no ordinary kids. They were little soccer demons disguised as tiny boys. It was as if Ronaldinho and Beckham magically sired a litter of Japanese children together. I don't care if you took your high school soccer team to state, you would not have been able to stop them either. Especially after several rounds of potato wine.

Panting and sweating, I was getting a little frustrated. Every time I touched the ball, the little brats would shriek with amusement and make comments in Japanese to the effect of "Look, the foreigner is trying to play soccer."

That's it, I thought, I'm scoring on these kids right now. I broke away and drove towards their goal. Then the ball got away from me. I was sprinting to catch it before it went out of bounds when I tripped over it and landed flat on my face into gravel, in front of the entire park.

Reports are that I hit so hard I almost flipped forward onto my back. It sure felt like that. After taking a moment to regain my composure, I arose to a chorus of children's laughter. As I hobbled off the field a broken man, I tried to hide the fact that my arm was bleeding to save at least a little dignity. In retrospect, it was probably too late for that.

KJ reflects on our defeat as the little bastards celebrate in the background.

Welcome to Ochanoma Ryugaku

2007-04-08T12:58:00.000-04:00

So this is the welcome screen that the Japanese students see before they start an online lesson with me. Very professional. As you can see, I have chosen to dress as a priest for my lessons. I think it helps make the students to trust me.

And this is how the students see me from their homes. As you can see, I am easily the Best Online English Teacher in All of Japan.

The job is actually pretty easy. I hardly ever see the same students twice, and they aren't in the room, so personal hygiene kind of takes second place to simple appearance. Which is good, because the food here gives me a lot of gas.

Quake Newbie

2007-03-26T20:15:00.000-04:00

So this morning I am in the middle of a lesson, swivelling back and forth in my chair as is my habit. However today when I stopped, the chair kept rocking. Beginning to feel a bit queasy, I started worrying that my blood sugar level was dropping and I was going to pass out. Maybe I should have eaten breakfast this morning.

Then I looked up and saw the staff scrambling around and the blinds smacking against the window. Oh, I thought. Earthquake.

That's right, earlier this morning, a large earthquake occurred off the coast of Japan. It was far to the north of Osaka, but due to its size we did feel some tremors.

Now not only was this my first earthquake experience in Japan, but my first earthquake in my life. But since I am a consummate professional and possess nerves of steel, I didn't even bother to pause my lesson.

Sakai, steak knife capital of Japan

2007-03-20T10:00:00.000-04:00

This is my home for the near future, Sakai city, a quaint suburb of Osaka with a population of 800,000. A brief wikiHistory of the city:

Sakai has been an important port for Japan since medieval times. It once specialized in making samurai swords. Now, it is famous for the quality of its Japanese kitchen knives. However the city's biggest claim to fame are these:

Kofun, giant keyhole-shaped burial mounds dating from the 5th century. Supposedly they hold the remains of ancient members of the Imperial family.

While they look cool, they're a bit disappointing because you can't climb around on them.

Greetings from the Japans

2007-03-20T08:59:00.000-04:00

Hi. I'm Patrick Christiana and this is my blog. On March 13th, 2007, I moved from Chattanooga, Tennessee to Osaka, Japan and became and English Teacher. Here you will find a record of my thoughts and adventures while living abroad.

While I'm here I'll working for NOVA, one of the biggest English language schools in Japan. Specifically, I'll be working in downtown Osaka at the Multimedia Center, where I'll be teaching classes via video conferencing to people all across the islands.

I'm not sure what form this blog will take. Most likely it will be filled with sweeping, ill-informed generalizations about Japan that I will later have to retract and apologize for. Whatever the case, I promise to try and keep it interesting.